How Fat Sex Is Like Science Fiction

Courtesy of Fractal Fish Graphics

I’m sure many of us sci-fi fans out there remember the classic fight scene at the end of James Cameron’s “Aliens” where Sigourney Weaver dons a mechanical suit that enhances her strength. Why am I starting this post by talking about science fiction you might ask? Well, this suit was supposed to work by detecting small movements made by the user and translating them into large, powerful actions.

There are many unflattering and inaccurate myths and speculations surrounding the idea of “fat sex.” They all basically conclude that the more mass, the less fun. But I’m pretty sure somebody hasn’t done their research.

As with all good sex, but especially when it comes to large lovin’, I think large ladies need to be attuned to all the subtle little movements their partners makes, which in reality aren’t going to budge them an inch, and then translate them accurately into whatever is being sought. This way even the skinniest of partners can throw around an infinite quantity of lady friend. This is one of many reasons, also, why fat sex can be a much more enjoyable experience. When the job of re-positioning and choreographing the event is more evenly shared, the end result, if performed well, is an all together more satisfying one.

Big babes also have a lot to offer that their thin counterparts may not be able to. In collaboration with a friend of mine, we’ve come up with an abridged (and slightly censored) version of how girls with extra pooch can have loads of fun in the bedroom.

Missionary (The Beached Whale)

I know I was just talking about the importance of mutual participation but that’s not to say you can’t find just as much fun in playing the “pampered princess” card. Here’s how it goes:

  • Consume your weight in sausages and apple pie.
  • Crawl into bed and steal every pillow and squashy thing in the vicinity.
  • Prop yourself up and place your hands on your full tummy, rubbing gently as required (if you’re plus-size and in a relationship, chances are your partner likes your wobbly bits).
  • Lie back, close your eyes and let your partner worry about all the calorie burning hard work.

This is obviously no good for your first time with someone, as they will definitely want more participation — it’s best for a long term relationship — one where daydreaming and sheer laziness is no longer an offence. For misty eyed, pajama clad, frosty November mornings, it’s just perfect.

Cowgirl (Is it a cow? Is it a girl? No it’s Cow-Girl!)

The problem with most positions is they really don’t show off your body enough. Like I said, if your partner is into your pudge, chances are your belly is your best asset when it comes to driving them wild:

  • For anyone who might need bringing up to speed on the basics, this is when you’re on top…!
  • This position is sometimes enhanced by your partner pressing down on your shoulders, and with the additional pudge weight pushing you down, this should feel even nicer.
  • Remember that being on top puts your belly in the drivers seat. A plump belly is a sensitive area and in case you didn’t know folks, used well it can hold its own with the more traditionally sensual body parts. This position is a great opportunity for you and/or your partner to give a cheeky squeeze or a little slap… I encourage all you chunky ladies and lovers thereof to start exploring the full potential of a tubby tum, this can really add spice to your love life and your soft tummy will love you for it. #jigglegasm
  • The drawback of this one is it’s a bit too much like exercise. You might work up quite a sweat, which is no bad thing! Drink plenty of water and don’t forget to order a pizza afterwards to make up for all
    those calories burnt!

Cowgirl Retired

Following on from cow girl:

  • When you’re just too tired and out of breath to carry on, raise your hips up slightly. This is when your love handles come to wonderful use, as your partner can grab onto them and use them to position you to just the right spot for the springiness of the bed.
  • Hold that position and leave the rest up to them while you catch your breath, alternating in order to avoid exhaustion.

Hot Doggy Dog

A take on doggy style for those who like big butts and cannot lie:

  • Lie on your front with your back arched up; this will compact your body slightly, enhancing your butt’s redonkadonkulous-ness and providing extra tightness in your lady area.
  • Unlike in doggy style, where your partner is on the inside of your legs, in this version they straddle on the outside and wedge in between your tookus to reach your special place.
  • This is also an opportunity for a bit of spanking if you’re into that sort of thing.

Let’s Eat Out Again, You’re Paying!

Dirty, dangerous and despicable, this gives your partner the benefit of your weight, a must for any fat girl with a flair for domination! Needless to say I can’t go into a great deal of detail with this one…:

  • Got a big butt? Good, it’s your secret weapon, learn how to use it to instil fear into the heart of your lover and get what your after (SAFETY WORDS REQUIRED).
  • This type of lunar eclipse makes sure your lady area gets the intimate attention it deserves, you can also keep your partner amused around the front while they’re suffering.
  • “There is no dark side of the moon really, as a matter of fact it’s all dark” – Pink Floyd 1973

So I know this is one of the more scandalous posts on here, but I recently heard my little brother who is entering that age where people are starting to experiment say that guys his age don’t like dating fat girls because it’s harder to sleep with them. I thought that was ridiculous, and that it needed mending and clarification ASAP. Granted, I wasn’t about to show this post to my 14-year-old brother (yes, people are having sex at 14), but I did want everyone else to know that obviously fat girls like sexy time too.

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